Hello y'all! Finally felt inspired to write here again. Life has been crazy busy with new clients, new studies, new relationship and new challenges. Finding that constantly providing myself with Bach Flowers, Reiki and relaxation techniques is about all I can do (short from putting back a bottle of wine a night) to keep myself sane. Well, I suppose its not that bad yet, but life sure becomes intense as the final months of a tertiary course comes to its completion. Lots of work that need to be done and I have gotten very little completed yet. Mostly been focusing on clients.

The new relationship I have been involved with is a good one. Its challenging, with a few hours of driving between us, but its been prosperous with lots of affection and lots of important lessons. I have found myself changing and transforming in amazing ways since meeting him - which as a friend recently reminded me - is largely the point of entering into intimate relationships. So that the people who come together are matched in ways that stimulate the growth and healing of both.

The most important things happening to my life in past months however have revolved around the hit DVD and book phenomena called The Secret. I discovered the Law of Attraction years ago when I was in my late teens and found myself, for a short time, with a very wise mentor who decided to help me grow as I ventured into the realm of my psychic abilities.

Later I become more proficient as I came to understand the use and manipulation of energy through studies in Reiki and Healing. I came to realize that all things are made of energy, and this energy which animates and moves the entire universe is sensitive to our thoughts and feelings. My Reiki Master introduced me to the Teachings of Abraham by Esther and Jerry Hicks, which I found wonderfully inspiring works of channeling.

So when the Secret came out I was already well aware of the concept and had indeed used it, but found that the package that The Secret delivered the LoA in was a very simple and user friendly one. Some things really clicked for me for the first time and I realized it was not about negative or positive thoughts - its all about emotions (e-motion: nergy in motion). It is how we feel, rather then what we think, that influences the ebb and flow of the universe around us. 

Shortly after seeing The Secret for the first time I started reading the Conversations with God series, which took the concept much further and applied deep spiritual principles to the processes.

Now what I aim to do is to feel my way towards a life that is mine. If my thoughts and feelings are attracting things to me all the time anyway, I want them to be things that are of use to me and will serve me. I want to be healed, to be whole, and to be of service. I wanted to be surrounded with kindred spirits who understand me and whom I understand, and who are conscious of life and the universe. I want to be happy, excited, elated, rich, prosperous, skillfull, compassionate and brave. I want to be successful in my life and in my hearts pursuits.

Once you change your ways of thinking, you start to notice changes and coincidences/synchronicites which place you on the right path.

Its been an important point for me however to know that I must relinquish control. Not to control the process but to release expection. The Art of Allowing.

Soon I hope that my career as a Reiki Teacher will begin and I will be able to bring this system of healing and heightened awareness to all people. I don't quite know where the path shall take me, but with the LoA and all the power of the universe behind me, I do truely believe in the goal which my heart has set for me.

So God Bless world, with all the joy and love you can imagine.

Hey y'all.. its been quite a while since I have posted here. Life has been quite crazy for a loooong time. This year has been one of the more stressful that I have experienced, but also the most rewarding. Spent many many hours studying to try and finish this diploma I am in, and with 6 months of clinical experience left to go I am not far away! Have to say that switching to study Herbal Medicine by correspondance was probably one of the smartest moves I have made in a long time.

Well this is a bit of an update as OBVIOUSLY it has been a while since I posted on here.

Currently I am back in Auckland at a course that will last several weeks - taking NLP practitioner level. Its so cool, right from the first day I couldn't help but think "this is what I've really been wanting to do!" I can see so many ways that this will come into use when I start practicing Naturopathy in a clinic as well as when I start teaching Reiki. Excitement tingles through me just thinking about it.

Lots of fantastic people on the course as well - the teacher I knew from my time at Wellpark College and several other people on the course I also already know.

Right now  I am killing some time writing emails at an e-cafe while waiting for a movie - my trip here coincided with the annual gay film festival in auckland so been sampling some of the excellent films. Much better then last year!

Things at home have been fine - I have had short temper with people a little bit, and had an absolutely huge arguement with Kate before I even came on this trip due to reasons that would take too long to explain. It basically ended up with us both yelling "F*** you!" and whatnot. You get the picture. I am hoping the communication skills that I will get from this NLP course will help tremendously to deal with Kate when I get back so that I can patch things up while staying true to myself.

Well must run - homosexual cinema awaits!..... oh wow, sounds like porn doesn't it? Cheaky bugger.

Later.

Well hello y'all.. it has been a few months I believe since I wrote in here. Two at least. A lot has been going on, yet not much at all - at the same time. Thats strange, isn't it? Times flies and you feel so busy, yet you've hardly done anything. I've been working at a new job, which I have already since left. Wasnt bad though - fruit picking. Got fresh air, lots of sun, cute guys. Well, sorta... ;)

Started my Herbal medicine course.. will take one and 1/2 years till I finish. Bit longer then I originally thought two years ago when I started, but getting close to the finishing line. 
Right now I am relaxing after a nice rainy monday spent home. Its almost 11pm and I am drinking a beer. Its nice, not having to frantically try to get to sleep so i can be up by the crack of dawn. Won't last always, but there is something peaceful about tonight. A warm, rainy, summer night.

Tonight i have a special purpose for writing in here. Its a bit of a last ditch effort at communication.

Jean Paul, dunno if you will be able to ever read this... i've tried to email you with the address you left, but i've had nothing but returned letters. I've tried contacting your school, but they have not returned any of my messages. I don't suppose they would tell me how to get in touch with you, even if they did reply. I don't know how to get ahold of you. I decided to write this note to you here, in the chance that you decide to look upon these pages again. this is how you first met me, afterall.

I hope that you are settling into your new life well, and having fun, discovering more about who you are and the world we live in. I bet there are lots of interesting people where you are, and if you let people in I know you will 
nver be lonely either. I can imagine how people would be attracted to your warmth and openness.

My life is going ok.. ive been a bit lonely here back in my home town, but i was lonely in Auckland too so.. not that much different I suppose. I've missed you though, as well as the other important people who I met there. In a few months I will be teaching my first Reiki class.. I was thinking of you when I made the decision for some reason, hoping that you would be proud of me. I wish I could tell you in person! I know what you thought of Reiki, but its ok  
 
Ya know I do miss our talks and walks and laughing with you. I wish we had had more time to hand and have fun, go to the movies, go for summer swims, or even camping. Do you even like camping? I never asked. I never got to see your place either, and all your books. Sometimes I wonder if i was anything more then a kid to you, who probably needed advice all the damn time. I'd like to think that you miss me too. I wish that I told you how dear you were to me. I wish I had given you a big 'ol kiss on the lips, when I could. Maybe then I could at least rest at ease, knowing I had satisfied my desires, and been able to let you go more easily. I wish I hadnt been so damn afraid, so ready to run. i am sorry, to you.

its fine if you didn't want any of that, too.. its like you said. We are connected, and you are still here with me.
I am reading that book you kept telling me about "Conversations with God" by DOnald Walsch. Its a fantastic piece of work. I guess thats why I am writing you this letter. In the book it says to ask yourself, "What would love do?" when you don't know what right action to take. I suppose love would have kissed you, loved you and let you go completely. Now i am left with regret, because I did not.

As old as I feel, and as mature as people tell me I appear, around you I still feel like a confused teenager. About you, I feel excited and lost. Around you, I feel warm and safe. I miss you, and I hope you come back soon. take care friend and I do send my love with you. Many hugs .. but not the rough kind!

- Joel

Hey virtual universe people... just a note to say that I am doing much better at the moment. Not sure what turned it around.. went and got myself some of these flower essences (yanno, bach flower type things..) and somehow after I started taking them I stopped feeling so sad all the time. I've been quite distracted actually, as I have a bit of a school break for a week or two and just been going to the beach
and doing things around the house. Tidying my room, helping mum with some of her immigration stuff.
Its not that I haven't been thinking about him.. its just that maybe now I can handle it.
 Missing someone doesn't mean you have to fall apart over them.

I tried to track him down, but can't so far. Attempted to get info from his University but they havent responded yet. So right now I am just waiting to see if I hear from him again.

 I had the opportunity to give my mother Reiki the other day.. she sprained her ankle and asked for Reiki to help it. It helped her with the pain a lot that day. It really reminded me how I do love to treat people, and just how much joy it gives me when I am treating a person. I hope I can find out my school schedule today so that I know if I can work or not. I would love to get back to giving Reiki to people. I may not be ready to teach yet, but I'd love to treat some people and put it out there.

This morning some friends are coming by to take me campingfor the long weekend.. should be fun! Hopefully not too much of a boozy weekend, as the last one I had was not exactly peasant. Distant memories of me crouched behind a trailer in the dark, feeling sick to my stomach. Yes. That was my New Years.. woo hoo!

Well Life goes on, and I am still here trying to just make my way.. finding my way in this strange place, with few people to help me along this path. I just have to remember to not worry, to not anger, to honor my teachers, be honest in my workings and to cherish all living things...

Thats the Reiki Path afterall, isn't it?

 Fuck today feels like a shit day. Slept in, then went out to lunch with Mum. We had a good day really - haven't had a chance to spend much time with her since moved back into town. Started telling her about JP and told her the whole story. Afterwards felt like I didnt want to be around a lot of people so decided to go for a long drive up North. Took couple of hours..but I needed it.

God damn it all I am so sick of this shit. I am sick of feeling this way. I came to Whangarei cus in Auckland I felt so alone. At least here I would be surrounded by people.

Well yes, I am surrounded by people. But I am still totally alone. I hate this. I hate it so much.

My first instinct is to run away.. somewhere very far away. Somewhere that might be different.. start over again in a new place. A new life.. again.

I can't just keep doing that though.. shifting, moving, running. No matter where I go, I will feel the same in the end. I will be alone. Regardless of how many people are around me or not.

Shit.. I just feel like I am screaming and no one is paying attention or hearing me. No sound comes out, but how sharp the pain in my throat is.

I have no where to go now. I thought about this over and over during the drive today.. but could come up with nothing. Nothing that I have ever done has ever changed anything. I must change myself but I don't know how. I am just tired, and scared and hurt. I just want to cry and cry but I simply can't.. nothing comes. Nothing at all.

So here I am. Once again.. lost.
Utterly and totally lost.
Where do I go from here? I wish someone could just tell me. I can't figure it out.
Its obvious I just can't do this. Its like a game you just can't win.
And honestly, I am tired of trying. I give up.

Jp..if your out there. I miss you. I've tried to contact you and get thru to you via your university, but so far its dead end.

Take care

Feeling sick tonite - bit of a cloud of gloom has come over me recently. Have been trying not to think about JP since he left the country.. but got a msg from him on my phone the other day and I can't get in touch with him, so I dont know why he was trying to reach me. It is making me angry and frustrated.
Its hard. I didnt know how hard it would be, but then you never do, eh? He was a close friend - almost my best friend for a while - before he left. He made me laugh, and turned me on. I felt really alive when he was around. That scared me. I know if he had still been here, I would of just run away - like always. Unfortunately he left before I got the chance. Its not like we were dating or anything like that.

Perhaps I am just young, and foolishly going for someone older, funny, good looking and more mature. Not like I wanna marry the guy. It just meant a lot to me having him around, and now he is gone. Its hard cus when I have a bad day, he is the first person I think I'd like to talk to. Not cus he gave great advice.. just cus he always got 'it' - whatever it was. We didn't know eachother for more then a few months. Thats what makes this whole thing so suprising.
Tried talking to good old sister about it, and basically was asked how much of my new year do I want to waste feeling like this and should get on with it. I don't want to "get on with it"..

What  I want is to have JP here with me. But that aint gonna happen, is it? I guess people don't ever get what they want in the end afterall. Sorry, but right now I am just feeling too tired and low to be spiritual and understanding about anything.

I wish there was someone I could just talk to about all this.. but none of my friends or family get it. They don't "get" that I met someone really special, and i'm hurtng at the moment. They don't "get" that I can't just sweep this under the rug. I can't .. I dont think that any emotion should be swept under the rug. That doesnt honor either me or him.

The stupidist thing about all this is that I have absolutely no idea how he felt or feels. I have no idea if he felt in any way the same, or if knowing this would send him running 50k per hour in the opposite direction as tho i'm some kind of deranged freak. Thats my largest fear probably.. that I jsut sound crazy and obsessive and weird. That it all sounds too naive and dramatic and over the top.

If I could just "get on with it", i'd be more then happy to. I've done that with a lot of relationships with people i've known for a heck of a lot longer. JP was just... different. He was funnny. He talked all the damn time and took a million years to order anything - even a smoothie - but he was always honest and earnest and "real". He was who he was and didn't make out to be anyone else. He was so comfortable in his own shell.. he really made me take my guard down, I felt so relaxed and at peace in his company. It felt really safe. He was one of those people who really cared how you were doing.

 And he liked to have long walks and conversations about life.
One night he lay on my bed taking me through a visualisation on his "sensual massage". My god I was so turned by the eroticism of his voice and imagery. I've never wanted to kiss someone so badly - really. The only thing that held me back, was not knowing if he wanted to as well. And that drives me crazy. why didn't I ask? Or just say to hell with it and rape his mouth for a while...

Now that is all over though.. he's gone and even though he was here for more then a moment in time.. there is this huge vacancy in my life.

I hope he is happy and doing well. I don't want him to be troubled by all this. I may never even tell him my real feelings. Is that right?

Hopefully one day this will all seem clearer, and I will be a braver persn who can face it all.

Ever been into a crazy relationship? Check out this article!! http://xtramsn.co.nz/lifestyles/0,,12614-6683741,00.html

Well here I am! Settling back into my parents place, sorting through all my things, trying to get back into some kind of groove. Spent most of the weekend with my friends, and my room is still a shambles as I am trying to find room for everything. For the last couple of years I have been living two different lives, in two different places. Now those two lives are coming together, and I have to find the right place for each of them somehow. Am I up here in Whangarei for good? Perhaps. It seems strange.. being in one place almost permanently. Funny to think that I thought I was free when I left here.. but I never thought it really would last.

My room is a good symbol of my life right now.. books laying on the floor, while all the bookshelves are full. Clothes that have nowhere to hand, and CD's with no where to put them. How does a person make two lives amalgamate into one?

I saw Paul the other week .. he has a part time job working in a local restaurant. Went in there with my sister as we hadn't eaten since the place opened a few months ago and he was serving at the till. It was a good suprise tho. He looked good. We had a quick catch up and got our food & left.

I think I might actually enjoy this summer. I have my friends, my family, and my future. I am scared and still second-guessing everything that I do, but I do have faith. My friend Yvonne thought I was making a mistake in moving back home, but thats not what I feel. Everything in my bones is telling me this is the right thing to do. I am in the right place at the right time, and doing the right thing.

Have to say, its nothing if not challenging.

I feel as though I am standing on a high building somewhere in the center of the city, looking up to the night sky and watching as the star dance on past me, across the galaxy..

Life is so transient when you get older. Nothing stands still and nothing is set for sure. Everything moves, people grow, things change and the world spins one more time. It catches me in the beauty of life, but at times I feel so helpless by the speed of everything. I can't stop it or slow down. Shall my world ever stop spinning, and allow just a bit of fleeting time to rest, and be happy?

Its not that I am not happy now, but everything moves too quickly and changes too much to ever simply sit down, and enjoy. Last night I had dinner with a friend, who told me that  I enjoyed moving around all the time in my life as it enabled me to get people's attention somehow. I wasn't offended - but I didn't agree either. I long for that little house I once had, with the little garden I used to care for, and the people I used to call my friends. I miss how that all felt. How nice it was to have something in my life called a "home", and not have to leave or move anywhere. Just to stay.

Important people in my life are leaving at the moment. Like stars, we shoot on past eachother, each hurtling towards our own destiny whatever they may be.

By Monday, JP will be gone. What I feel towards him I am not entirely sure, and have not yet articulated here. Its a mystery to me, and he is to go overseas before I may ever figure it out. I left him a phone message last night, doing my best to explain my feelings honestly, and he has not yet replied. He very well may never reply. In two days he will be gone.. forever? I hope not. Of all the people I have met so far in this large lonely city, he might be the brightest star out of them all. I want to be close to him. Thats the best I can do, to explain.

Take care JP, and enjoy your adventures out there! You said that we never really leave eachother when we part, and I believe you.

I have an old friend, Jenny, who I have known for many years. I met her online years ago, and we have stayed close since. In the last few years though we have become a bit more distant as our lives become busy and complicated. Sometimes I read her journal however, and am not always happy with what I see there now. She is still the same wonderful person that she always was..but now its different too. There is a harshness, a bitterness that didn't used to be there. She used to have such earnesty about her. Jenny was one of the most integrous people I ever met. Now she seems so angry at everything, and puts people down.

I worry for her, but there is not much I can do. I am not entirely sure if we met now for the first time, we would still be friends. Is that ok? Yea, its ok. People change and grow. Thats nature, right? And I won't ever forget the kind and courageous person that she once was. If you ever get to see the true light that a person holds inside, you have indeed witnessed something immortal in memory.

There are other people I have not talked to in a very long time. I wonder what they are like now? Jenny has changed so much, and so have I, so I supposed its safe to assume everyone else does to. I wonder what Kristy is like now.. and Paul, if he is still sweet.. and what about Katrin and dear Philip? I might miss Philip more then anyone.. he was like family to me, though we havent talked in two years.

Dear Philip - if I could choose my family, he would be my first choice. Best friend and brother, with the most open heart i've ever met. Now off in Germany, I havent talked to him in a very long time except by occasional email.

Right now, I feel sad. So sad. JP leaving has brought up a lot of stuff I suppose. Its funny how you can know a person for such a  short time, and yet miss them so much already. I feel blessed to have known such beautiful people in my life, but they always seem to leave. And when they leave, I have to once more find my way by myself again. Thats what it always comes back down to in the end. I want to be surrounded by all the people that I care about.. I don't want to exist by myself anymore.

It was through this journal, this web site, that he was able to find me. I shall continue to post here, and keep it alive, so that one day when he gets back he will still be able to reach me. I can hope for that, at least.

Good night world, good night stars and good night friends. Blessed be.

Time moves on and the world keeps spinning. I can't slow it down and I can't stop it. Would I even want to? Delightful dancing dreams of pain and longing, intermingled with happiness and love. Thats just life. Its how things are. Sometimes I can laugh at it, or as I did this morning - cry. I am glad I cried though.. I think I  don't cry very easily or often enough at times.

So much is happening in my life... my time at Wellpark College is coming at an end, as I will not finish my diploma. I have decided to switch over and study Herbal Medicine. I shall leave Auckland, for good, and move back up to Whangarei to be with my family for a little while. Perhaps get a job. Maybe a flat. Saying goodbye to everything I have grown to know and love is difficult.. and I am afraid.. but somehow I must find that place in myself where I will be alright, and I  can trust in life's complexities. I know in my heart this is the best. This is the lighted path.

Who am I? What do I want? This question continues to plague my life, as the defination of self becomes fleeting and everchanging. I think that from one day to the next, I become a little different each time. Do seasons stand still? My heart is like the seasons. I used to think it was empty and silent like the great ocean depths - and if any aspiring person were to put my heart to their ear they might hear those lonely waves  - but today perhaps its time to change that label.

Recently I have been thinking so much on the issue of belonging. Now that I am moving away from ths city where I have lived for two years, I have to question to where and to whom do I belong? Do I belong anywhere? If my family were not in whangarei, where would I go and what would I do? In the end, a good kind person helped me to realize something.

True freedom can only be found when one does not long to belong anywhere, and the need to be accepted has quieted.\

As long as its something I am trying to find, I will not find it. I have to let it be, and trust the universe will find me no matter where I wander.

Deep fear penetrates me. Its all I can do to maintain the balance between fear and trust and find the middle path, and find my way. I don't know whats going to happen to me. I really don't. That has to be ok though.

Can I one day be loved, and in turn love myself completely?

Can I save the world, and treat myself with utmost compassion?

Can I find passion in a lover's embrace, and accept myself fully?

Can I cry uncontrollably, and ever simply give up?

 

Ah to give up. Now that would be an awefully big adventure!