Time moves on and the world keeps spinning. I can't slow it down and I can't stop it. Would I even want to? Delightful dancing dreams of pain and longing, intermingled with happiness and love. Thats just life. Its how things are. Sometimes I can laugh at it, or as I did this morning - cry. I am glad I cried though.. I think I  don't cry very easily or often enough at times.

So much is happening in my life... my time at Wellpark College is coming at an end, as I will not finish my diploma. I have decided to switch over and study Herbal Medicine. I shall leave Auckland, for good, and move back up to Whangarei to be with my family for a little while. Perhaps get a job. Maybe a flat. Saying goodbye to everything I have grown to know and love is difficult.. and I am afraid.. but somehow I must find that place in myself where I will be alright, and I  can trust in life's complexities. I know in my heart this is the best. This is the lighted path.

Who am I? What do I want? This question continues to plague my life, as the defination of self becomes fleeting and everchanging. I think that from one day to the next, I become a little different each time. Do seasons stand still? My heart is like the seasons. I used to think it was empty and silent like the great ocean depths - and if any aspiring person were to put my heart to their ear they might hear those lonely waves  - but today perhaps its time to change that label.

Recently I have been thinking so much on the issue of belonging. Now that I am moving away from ths city where I have lived for two years, I have to question to where and to whom do I belong? Do I belong anywhere? If my family were not in whangarei, where would I go and what would I do? In the end, a good kind person helped me to realize something.

True freedom can only be found when one does not long to belong anywhere, and the need to be accepted has quieted.\

As long as its something I am trying to find, I will not find it. I have to let it be, and trust the universe will find me no matter where I wander.

Deep fear penetrates me. Its all I can do to maintain the balance between fear and trust and find the middle path, and find my way. I don't know whats going to happen to me. I really don't. That has to be ok though.

Can I one day be loved, and in turn love myself completely?

Can I save the world, and treat myself with utmost compassion?

Can I find passion in a lover's embrace, and accept myself fully?

Can I cry uncontrollably, and ever simply give up?

Ah to give up. Now that would be an awefully big adventure!