I feel as though I am standing on a high building somewhere in the center of the city, looking up to the night sky and watching as the star dance on past me, across the galaxy..

Life is so transient when you get older. Nothing stands still and nothing is set for sure. Everything moves, people grow, things change and the world spins one more time. It catches me in the beauty of life, but at times I feel so helpless by the speed of everything. I can't stop it or slow down. Shall my world ever stop spinning, and allow just a bit of fleeting time to rest, and be happy?

Its not that I am not happy now, but everything moves too quickly and changes too much to ever simply sit down, and enjoy. Last night I had dinner with a friend, who told me that  I enjoyed moving around all the time in my life as it enabled me to get people's attention somehow. I wasn't offended - but I didn't agree either. I long for that little house I once had, with the little garden I used to care for, and the people I used to call my friends. I miss how that all felt. How nice it was to have something in my life called a "home", and not have to leave or move anywhere. Just to stay.

Important people in my life are leaving at the moment. Like stars, we shoot on past eachother, each hurtling towards our own destiny whatever they may be.

By Monday, JP will be gone. What I feel towards him I am not entirely sure, and have not yet articulated here. Its a mystery to me, and he is to go overseas before I may ever figure it out. I left him a phone message last night, doing my best to explain my feelings honestly, and he has not yet replied. He very well may never reply. In two days he will be gone.. forever? I hope not. Of all the people I have met so far in this large lonely city, he might be the brightest star out of them all. I want to be close to him. Thats the best I can do, to explain.

Take care JP, and enjoy your adventures out there! You said that we never really leave eachother when we part, and I believe you.

I have an old friend, Jenny, who I have known for many years. I met her online years ago, and we have stayed close since. In the last few years though we have become a bit more distant as our lives become busy and complicated. Sometimes I read her journal however, and am not always happy with what I see there now. She is still the same wonderful person that she always was..but now its different too. There is a harshness, a bitterness that didn't used to be there. She used to have such earnesty about her. Jenny was one of the most integrous people I ever met. Now she seems so angry at everything, and puts people down.

I worry for her, but there is not much I can do. I am not entirely sure if we met now for the first time, we would still be friends. Is that ok? Yea, its ok. People change and grow. Thats nature, right? And I won't ever forget the kind and courageous person that she once was. If you ever get to see the true light that a person holds inside, you have indeed witnessed something immortal in memory.

There are other people I have not talked to in a very long time. I wonder what they are like now? Jenny has changed so much, and so have I, so I supposed its safe to assume everyone else does to. I wonder what Kristy is like now.. and Paul, if he is still sweet.. and what about Katrin and dear Philip? I might miss Philip more then anyone.. he was like family to me, though we havent talked in two years.

Dear Philip - if I could choose my family, he would be my first choice. Best friend and brother, with the most open heart i've ever met. Now off in Germany, I havent talked to him in a very long time except by occasional email.

Right now, I feel sad. So sad. JP leaving has brought up a lot of stuff I suppose. Its funny how you can know a person for such a  short time, and yet miss them so much already. I feel blessed to have known such beautiful people in my life, but they always seem to leave. And when they leave, I have to once more find my way by myself again. Thats what it always comes back down to in the end. I want to be surrounded by all the people that I care about.. I don't want to exist by myself anymore.

It was through this journal, this web site, that he was able to find me. I shall continue to post here, and keep it alive, so that one day when he gets back he will still be able to reach me. I can hope for that, at least.

Good night world, good night stars and good night friends. Blessed be.