Feeling sick tonite - bit of a cloud of gloom has come over me recently. Have been trying not to think about JP since he left the country.. but got a msg from him on my phone the other day and I can't get in touch with him, so I dont know why he was trying to reach me. It is making me angry and frustrated.
Its hard. I didnt know how hard it would be, but then you never do, eh? He was a close friend - almost my best friend for a while - before he left. He made me laugh, and turned me on. I felt really alive when he was around. That scared me. I know if he had still been here, I would of just run away - like always. Unfortunately he left before I got the chance. Its not like we were dating or anything like that.

Perhaps I am just young, and foolishly going for someone older, funny, good looking and more mature. Not like I wanna marry the guy. It just meant a lot to me having him around, and now he is gone. Its hard cus when I have a bad day, he is the first person I think I'd like to talk to. Not cus he gave great advice.. just cus he always got 'it' - whatever it was. We didn't know eachother for more then a few months. Thats what makes this whole thing so suprising.
Tried talking to good old sister about it, and basically was asked how much of my new year do I want to waste feeling like this and should get on with it. I don't want to "get on with it"..

What  I want is to have JP here with me. But that aint gonna happen, is it? I guess people don't ever get what they want in the end afterall. Sorry, but right now I am just feeling too tired and low to be spiritual and understanding about anything.

I wish there was someone I could just talk to about all this.. but none of my friends or family get it. They don't "get" that I met someone really special, and i'm hurtng at the moment. They don't "get" that I can't just sweep this under the rug. I can't .. I dont think that any emotion should be swept under the rug. That doesnt honor either me or him.

The stupidist thing about all this is that I have absolutely no idea how he felt or feels. I have no idea if he felt in any way the same, or if knowing this would send him running 50k per hour in the opposite direction as tho i'm some kind of deranged freak. Thats my largest fear probably.. that I jsut sound crazy and obsessive and weird. That it all sounds too naive and dramatic and over the top.

If I could just "get on with it", i'd be more then happy to. I've done that with a lot of relationships with people i've known for a heck of a lot longer. JP was just... different. He was funnny. He talked all the damn time and took a million years to order anything - even a smoothie - but he was always honest and earnest and "real". He was who he was and didn't make out to be anyone else. He was so comfortable in his own shell.. he really made me take my guard down, I felt so relaxed and at peace in his company. It felt really safe. He was one of those people who really cared how you were doing.

 And he liked to have long walks and conversations about life.
One night he lay on my bed taking me through a visualisation on his "sensual massage". My god I was so turned by the eroticism of his voice and imagery. I've never wanted to kiss someone so badly - really. The only thing that held me back, was not knowing if he wanted to as well. And that drives me crazy. why didn't I ask? Or just say to hell with it and rape his mouth for a while...

Now that is all over though.. he's gone and even though he was here for more then a moment in time.. there is this huge vacancy in my life.

I hope he is happy and doing well. I don't want him to be troubled by all this. I may never even tell him my real feelings. Is that right?

Hopefully one day this will all seem clearer, and I will be a braver persn who can face it all.

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