Fuck today feels like a shit day. Slept in, then went out to lunch with Mum. We had a good day really - haven't had a chance to spend much time with her since moved back into town. Started telling her about JP and told her the whole story. Afterwards felt like I didnt want to be around a lot of people so decided to go for a long drive up North. Took couple of hours..but I needed it.

God damn it all I am so sick of this shit. I am sick of feeling this way. I came to Whangarei cus in Auckland I felt so alone. At least here I would be surrounded by people.

Well yes, I am surrounded by people. But I am still totally alone. I hate this. I hate it so much.

My first instinct is to run away.. somewhere very far away. Somewhere that might be different.. start over again in a new place. A new life.. again.

I can't just keep doing that though.. shifting, moving, running. No matter where I go, I will feel the same in the end. I will be alone. Regardless of how many people are around me or not.

Shit.. I just feel like I am screaming and no one is paying attention or hearing me. No sound comes out, but how sharp the pain in my throat is.

I have no where to go now. I thought about this over and over during the drive today.. but could come up with nothing. Nothing that I have ever done has ever changed anything. I must change myself but I don't know how. I am just tired, and scared and hurt. I just want to cry and cry but I simply can't.. nothing comes. Nothing at all.

So here I am. Once again.. lost.
Utterly and totally lost.
Where do I go from here? I wish someone could just tell me. I can't figure it out.
Its obvious I just can't do this. Its like a game you just can't win.
And honestly, I am tired of trying. I give up.

Jp..if your out there. I miss you. I've tried to contact you and get thru to you via your university, but so far its dead end.

Take care

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